Men....

"When we love by intention and will, by showing care, respect, knowledge, and responsibilty, our love satifies. Individuals who want to believe there is no fulfillment in love, that true love does not exist, cling to these assumptions because this despair is actually easier to face than the reality that love is a real fact of life but is absent from their lives." - Bell Hooks






Why does it seem like my love life (or lack of one) is too damn complicated??
I recently got out of a relationship with someone I love(d) a great deal. He was my everything. I yearned to be seen and loved in his eyes....yet it was something he couldn't do. I take the blame for that part. Have you ever loved someone sooooooooo much, its like you turn yourself inside out to be what you think they want you to be, and somewhere along in this process, you completely lose yourself and thats the very thing that made them want you in the first place? Its a truly wretched existence and un-explainably painful thing to come to this realization. Especially if your the type of individual I am, and pride myself on being -> a smart, confident, intelligent, outspoken and most importantly STRONG young woman. I became this...weak, empty, compliant shell of an human being. I wasn't me anymore. I didn't feel happy or good about myself anymore. All the things I used to say I would never become, I became. Everything I used to enjoy doing, lacked pleasure. It all became about him, and wanting to be with him and doing everything to stay with him, and please him. I gave up on myself, my uniqueness and sense of self was gone. I thought I was soooo in love I could not walk away. But the twisted thing was I still wanted him and wanted to be with him. I was sooooooooooooo weak that I felt like I needed him in my life, when really....he wasn't meant for me. He's a selfish, self centered, egotistical, disorganized person. Yes, he had his good qualities -> he was kind, and loyal *edit*-He was not loyal...a sorry excuse for a man *edit*but he was incapable of seeing the ways he was being unfair to me. Well I would love to think he's incapable, but maybe he just wasn't ready to give me what I needed. I put my whole life into this man, loving what I thought "we" COULD have been, not what we actually were THIS WAS A PROBLEM. Anyways, it all came to a head and I awakened to reality and what was actually happening. We broke up. I cried. ALOT. I was so hurt and confused and all out of sorts. But it brings something to my attention that all men should know, and I'm going to specify. If you TRULY love the woman, you NEVER let her go! You come get her when she leaves! That's what she wants you to do!!!! (unless she has filed an order of protection, then no, she really wants you to leave her the hell alone). But yeah, I left, packed my shit and bounced....he didn't follow. So I interpreted that as he didn't want or love me anymore, or maybe ever, who knows with this guy. Anyways....


Fast Forward to now, I've been trying to get myself out there, meeting new people etc...
And for the most part to be honest, its been disappointing. I'm not looking to get into anyone seriously just yet, after being engaged :-but it would be nice to meet some one new I felt compatible with. I meet tons of men, thats not the problem. The problem comes in with the qualities/types of men I meet. Some are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too in a rush to get into a relationship with me, when I'm not ready because to be honest I'm still hurt. Some are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay disgusting in that they try to be tricky and get in my pants when they are involved with other women and lying about it ( I HATE HATE HATE being LIED to!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENUFF!-> I feel it belittles my intelligence!) and various other things I won't get into (Mama's boys, wimps, chumps, MORONS, career criminals(lol) etc...).
My whole thing is,MEN, if you ARE a man, need to ACT like a Man and not a BOY!!!
Your word means sooooooooo much! Without your word you are NOTHING in my eyes, and I'm sure alot of other people (men and women) would agree with me there.
To sum it up :-
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!!

That is all...